For the most part, Australians are very proud of their country and heritage. Whenever an Aussie does well at something and goes overseas and takes the world by storm, Aussies cherish them and cheer them on.
From Cathy Freeman when she won the gold medal in the Sydney Olympics to Sam Worthington when he hit the big time from starring in Avatar, we’ve been right behind them. Hell, we’ve even rooted for people who were born overseas but lived in Australia and claimed them as Aussies when they became household names (such as Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson, though we’ve often unclaimed them as soon as one of them has done something along the lines of phone throwing or blaming Jews for all the wars in the world. But it’s okay, they’re not real Aussies anyway).
However, like any family that has a black sheep in it, there are some Aussies we would rather forget about and sweep under the carpet. For whatever reason, whenever one of these Aussies are mentioned, there is often cringing or a sudden urge to change the subject. However, like it or not (most don’t), they are a part of Aussie history and should be given a second chance through the power of music, specifically DJing (naturally). They say music soothes the savage beast, and these misfits would be attempting to soothe the savage beast that is the Australian public. Most of these outcasts were infamous during a particular decade or era, so they definitely would remember hit songs from the time of their fifteen minutes of fame (or shame more like it).
Bad Aussie #1: Mark Brandon “Chopper” Read
Why they’re a bad Aussie: Chopper was an underworld figure who robbed and kill drug dealers, has spent most of his life in jail, and got his ears chopped off to intimidate his enemies. Though he claims he hasn’t been involved in crime since being released from jail in 1997, the movie Chopper, depicting his darkly hilarious misadventures in crime, made him a household name in Australia, and this was further established once comedian Heath Franklin regularly impersonated Eric Bana impersonating Chopper on The Ronnie Johns Half Hour.
Why they should DJ: Chopper is a very charismatic and funny fellow, and most importantly quick witted. Like a real DJ, Chopper could easily and quickly change songs and would have a great ear (well, actually he doesn’t) for good music. He seems like he would have been a party animal back in the day, so he’d know how to get a party started. At least his Ronnie Johns counterpart has musical credibility (as observed in the below video). He’s also good for keeping drug dealers out of nightclubs; he’ll take them out back and show them his sawed-off shotgun like he did with Sammy the Turk!
What their party should be called: Ears n’ Beers or H Division.
What music they would play: ’70s and ’80s Aussie pub rock the likes of AC/DC, Cold Chisel, Rose Tattoo, The Saints, Dragon, Midnight Oil, The Angels, Men at Work, Icehouse.
What music they won’t play: Anything Chopper would consider “homa-sexual” music, like ABBA, Olivia Newton-John, Crowded House, John Farnham.
Bad Aussie #2: Lindy Chamberlain
Why they’re a bad Aussie: Imprisoned for allegedly killing her baby Azaria at Uluru in 1980, but claimed a dingo stole her baby (creating one of Australia’s most famous catchphrases). Though acquitted in 1988, Chamberlain will always remain an infamous part of Australian legal history.
Why they should DJ: Azaria’s death was a huge case in the media and was debated in court and current affair shows throughout the 1980s. It was even made into the movie Evil Angels with Meryl Streep playing Chamberlain (Streep does a very good attempt at an Aussie accent for an American). Another popular type of media is music, so why can’t a murder case and a few pop songs go together?
What their party should be called: Crikey Me Dingos!
What music they would play: Pop hits from the ’80s by the likes of Madonna, Michael Jackson, Bananarama, Whitney Houston, Cyndi Lauper, Lionel Richie, Culture Club, The Bangles, Wham, Olivia Newton-John.
What music they won’t play: Any songs with the word “baby” in it (so half of the songs ever made are written off right there). If Chamberlain really did DJ, there’s no way she would actually play ’80s music; to say the 1980s wasn’t a good decade for the Chamberlains is a massive understatement!
Bad Aussie #3: Robert Hughes
Why they’re a bad Aussie: Accused of molesting child actress Sarah Monahan when filming Aussie sitcom Hey Dad in the late ’80s and early ’90s. Lives in Malaysia and has hidden away from the public, making him look even more suss. Generally looks like a creep anyway.
Why they should DJ: Hughes would have a lot of fond memories of his time working on Hey Dad and working with Monahan, though I’m sure she doesn’t quite feel the same way. His vinyl spinning of ’80s and ’90s teenybopper songs only prepubescent and tween girls would have liked back then would go off the hook motherfucker!
What their party should be called: Hey Paedo!
What music they would play: Tween and teenybopper crap from the ’80s and ’90s like Britney Spears, The Spice Girls, Aqua, Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, New Kids On The Block, Christina Aguilera. He’d probably throw in a few Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers songs for girls too young to know anything by the aforementioned artists. Hughes would play this prepubescent girly crap to lure young girls, and unlike most DJs, would actually try to work at Under 18s events instead of Over 18s, or little kids birthday parties if he’s lucky.
What music they won’t play: Any house tracks sampling quotes from the MrDoodleburger dubs of Hey Dad (like the one below).
Bad Aussie #4: Schapelle Corby
Why they’re a bad Aussie: Caught trying to smuggle cannabis into Bali in her boogie board and was imprisoned for 20 years in 2005, but pleads that she didn’t know about the drugs she was carrying. Still remains a media sensation.
Why they should DJ: Someone needs to entertain those Balinese prisoners before they start another riot, don’t they? Though Corby’s in-prison beauty parlour might brighten some ladies’ day, it just won’t do.
What their party should be called: The Bali Boogie(board).
What music they would play: Anything from around the early and mid 2000s, such as Eminem, Missy Elliot, Limp Bizkit, Good Charlotte, Sum 41, Pink, Lil Bow Wow, Destiny’s Child, Aaliyah, Ashanti, Robbie Williams, t.A.T.u., Basement Jaxx.
What music they won’t play: Anything made after 2005; she wouldn’t know these songs even exist!
Bad Aussie #5: David Hicks
Why they’re a bad Aussie: Imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay between 2001-2007 for fighting alongside al-Qaeda against U.S. and Australian forces in Afghanistan. Branded as a traitor to Australia.
Why they should DJ: Now that Hicks is back in Australia, I can’t imagine he would get a lot of job opportunities, especially within the army. He’s gotta support himself somehow!
What their party should be called: Hicks n’ Chicks.
What music they would play:Being an Aussie and having spent so much time with Afghan people, his mix of music would be pretty far out. Just imagine Jimmy Barnes screeching ‘Working Class Man’ to that whimsical Arabic flute-like sound.
What music they won’t play: Any post-9/11 American propaganda country songs.
Bad Aussie #6: Clare Werbeloff
Why they’re a bad Aussie: Claimed to have seen two wogs fighting on Kings Cross one night in May 2009 and demonstrated one of them shooting the other by saying “chk chk, boom!” Turns out she made it all up for a laugh, and many deemed her a racist bitch.
Why they should DJ: Having been to Kings Cross, she obviously likes to party and looks like one of those girls who goes around clubs trying to get you to become a member.
What their party should be called: Chk Chk Boom! (What else was it going to be called?!)
What music they would play: Late ’00s house tracks and nightclub anthems by Calvin Harris, David Guetta, anything from Ministry of Sound.
What music they won’t play: Guns N’ Roses or that old Nancy Sinatra song ‘Bang Bang’ that goes ‘Bang bang, my baby shot me down’ (anything to do with guns has scarred Werbeloff for life)
Bad Aussie #7: Corey Delaney-Worthington
Why they’re a bad Aussie: This ’80s-looking teen threw a house party with people from his high school in January 2008 that got way out of hand and a lot of damage to the street was caused. Corey was deemed both a juvenile delinquent and the ultimate party man at the same time.
Why they should DJ: Clearly out of all the suggested Bad Aussies that should DJ, Corey has to be the most qualified to DJ. If anyone knows how to rock the house, he does
What their party should be called: Corey’s House Par-tay! (House has two meanings in this instance).
What music they would play: Par-tay music from the late ’00s.
Originally published here at barsandnightclubs.com.au on Sunday 4 March 2012