Don’t you hate it when there’s a party you’re invited to, but it’s Dulls Ville or you don’t know anyone there or the people you do know are complete tools that your friend is also friends with for some reason, or if barely anyone showed up.
Or worse, if there was another, far funner party you were invited to that’s on the same night. Your natural response is to leave, but surely you would want a better excuse to leave than that you have to wash your hair (has that excuse ever actually worked at any point?!) Though you might feel bad for bailing on your friend’s party, there are times when you know you’re better off for it.
Though you probably know all these old tricks already, or have even used some of them, here are some made-up excuses to use to leave a crap party.
1. “I’m sick”
The “I’m sick” excuse is as old as dirt and many party hosts get suss when they hear this phrase from a guest. If you think the party’s going to be crap before you even get there, tell the host as soon as you arrive or even before you get there that you feel a bit ill and might not stay for too long, adding at least some credibility to your lie. You should also use a believable and embarrassing fake illness, or at least something less lame than a headache or a cold, something everyone knows can be easily faked.
A great example is diarrhoea, simply because shit is disgusting. When you tell the host this, whisper what the “illness” is to the host and make it really dramatic and highlights how embarrassing it is by the fact they had to go up close to your ear to tell you. The grosser and more embarrassing the illness, the better. Considering diarrhoea is such an embarrassing illness that you makes crap yourself at any random time, the host won’t think you’re making it up; why would you say you’re going through such a gross and embarrassing thing if you’re not?
2. “I’ve got another party to go to”
We all have obligations in life, whether it be to family, work, or friends. At some point, events for these different groups in your life clash and you have to choose between them. Fortunately if you go to one’s crap party, that makes it so much easier to leave to go to another group’s party. Though your host might feel a bit rejected that you’re now choosing the company of another friend over theirs, just remember we all have social obligations to fulfill and they have had to make these decisions too.
3. “I’ve got to work tomorrow”
We all have to work for the man to make ends meet, or at the very least just to make enough money to drink up to drown your sorrows on the weekend. You could tell the host that you got stuck with the early shift the next day and are so cut they made you work on a Saturday or Sunday, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Your friend will be disappointed, but more than likely will understand. Don’t use this excuse if you’re a dole bludger though.
4. An emergency’s happened
Text someone not at the party and tell them to call you and be all melodramatic and say someone close (like a parent) has hurt themselves badly in a car accident or at work or something and you need to go urgently. This one really requires you to have at least some acting skill, to act all upset and worried convincingly. Though you might feel bad for making the host feel bad for you, at least you’re getting out of a shit party. But remember to later text your friend saying the emergency has been sorted out and everything’s back to normal so there’s no further questions about how the “injured” person is going, and to thank the host for being understanding about you abruptly leaving. Just think of the poor souls at crap parties back in the days before texting.
Ah, the menstrual cycle. Obviously only girls can use this excuse (unless you’re a hermaphrodite), but I guess that’s one of the perks of having to put up with bleeding from your vagina five days of every single month for most of your life. Society thinks of women as delicate beings who like pretty things like flowers and butterflies, so whenever someone mentions a girl bleeding from her most private area, awkwardness ensues. Telling a fellow female that you’re on your rags while most likely get them to sympathise with you, as they have been in your shoes (or heels since it’s a party) plenty of times. Guys will never question this one (they’d look like such jerks if they did!), and the fact the girl actually told you what’s going on behind her undies will automatically make a guy uncomfortable beyond belief and they’ll be happy for you to leave. If you thought telling someone you have diarrhoea would make them uncomfortable, that pales in comparison to telling a male that you have such an embarrassing “girly problem” going on.
Though the host may suspect you’re full of shit if you leave the party for something that’s just come up, you can be comforted in the knowledge they have more than likely used one of these excuses at some point too, so they aren’t ones to talk!
Originally published here at barsandnightclubs.com.au on Tuesday 28 February 2012