Females are fascinating creatures. As a male, I naturally want to date them, and like all males, we are bemused by some of their odd behaviour, like being worried how good they look, thinking they’re fat when there’s clearly more bone than flab on them, and flipping out for no good reason (men just assume it’s their time of the month, even if it actually isn’t). Men just dismiss these quirks as “womanly ways” and don’t really give them any more thought.
But why do they always insist on going into nightclub toilets together? Surely, they’re toilet trained and don’t need guidance to piss or shit into a toilet bowl. Though a lot of guys fantasise about them going in there to drunkenly make out, deep down we know that’s unlikely, and even if that is the case, it doesn’t do us guys any good as we can’t go in there to watch in awe. You don’t see groups of guys doing to the toilets together to whiz and compare sizes; that’d be kinda gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that, to quote Seinfeld). Unless a male friend of mine just happened to need to go to the toilet when I do, I’d be like, “Dude, let me piss in peace!” (no way I’m taking a shit in a nightclub toilet!)
It’s not just girls who have been friends for years and years that do this either. I’ve seen girls who have just met and barely know each other and one will often insist the other girl go to the ladies room with them. What’s with that? To make this phenomenon understandable for other guys out there, here are the top seven reasons why girls always go into nightclub toilets together.
If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to happen whenever a group of gal pals meet up is gossiping. Whether it’s about what’s going on in their own lives or to bitch about someone they don’t like, chat about their boyfriends and their sex lives away from guys (imagine the type of conversations the Sex and the City ladies have at their regular lunches, but with the smell of shit surrounding you). It also gives girls the chance to talk to each other without the nuisance of the club’s loud music making you go “What?!” all the time.
Going to the loo can be pretty boring, so girls make their friends tag along to keep them company while they do their business. This supports the foundations of their friendship and the “sisters stick together” philosophy; you wouldn’t want to upset your friend by saying you don’t want to go to the loo with them and let all those years of sisterhood go down the toilet.
3. Touch up their hair and make-up
Even if a girl dolled herself up to the nth degree before she even left home, often they’ll still feel they don’t look perfect and have to do quick touch ups to lip gloss, lipstick, mascara, eyeshadow, fix their hair or whatever other fashion fix up is needed to make girls feel less self-conscious. They bring their gal pals there to make them feel confident that they look a million bucks in order to get some hunk of spunk to notice them and to borrow whatever is in their friend’s handbag to do these touch ups. At least girls come prepared, though this readiness is more useful to guys if the girl brings condoms.
4. Take photos of each other
Ever since mobile phones have had built in cameras, nightclub toilets have become substitute photo booths. Why they go to the toilet to take group photos of themselves when they can just easily do this in the bar area is beyond me. Wouldn’t girls want to take photos in the bar area anyway? Wouldn’t girls rather remember the venue for its bar and social side rather than its generic lavatory? Ever since social networking began, women have gone to the loo together with the sole purpose to taking group photos together that they often later put on Facebook so they can all comment on how “hawt” they looked that night.
5. Get away from sleazy guys
Some guys just can’t seem to understand the phrase “I’m not interested”, so your friend will come to your rescue and say they want you to come to the toilets with them, and most guys know you can’t really stop them from doing this girly ritual; it’s just not the done thing. But the real trick to it is that once you come out of the loo, you have to try to avoid said dickhead again. Surely neither you or your friend would want to go to the toilet every time one of these guys tries to chat you up, so this escape plan has its flaws.
6. Hold a friend’s hair while they puke
Some girls just can’t hold their grog and they gotta get it out somehow. When a girl senses her friend is going to chunder any minute now, they or a group of girls will escort you to the loo to puke your guts out. Not only is this to make sure the drunk girl gets there without vomiting in the main area and get your group kicked out of the club, but it’s to protect one of their most feminine and prized features: their hair. No one wants vomit in their hair, so a friend will hold your hair back while you puke, and another friend will keep asking if you’re okay. Isn’t friendship grand?
7. Strategise how to attract a fella
Girls will often get guys ogling them, much to their dismay as most of the time since the guy looks like complete gutter trash and makes you wonder why the bouncer let them in to begin with. But sometimes they’ll see a fella who will just knock their socks off and make their ginies tingle. A girl might get flustered and not know what to do to make get him to make a move. So you’ll get your girlfriends to reconvene with you in the dunny to figure out how they can go up to the guy and not make it too obvious he’s making her ovulate. For this purpose, the ladies room at nightclubs are the international womens hub for a super quick meeting on how to the Taylor Lautner lookalike to notice you. Genius.
If any of these reasons seem dumb to you, at least it’s not as gross as what the girls in this scene from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle are doing:
Originally published here at barsandnightclubs.com.au on Tuesday 6 March 2012