Hello Ladies: A Guide Of What Not To Do When Partying

Stephen Merchant, British comedic actor and co-creator of The Office, has recently created and starred on another hit TV show called Hello Ladies, where his character Stuart lives in Los Angeles hoping to meet the woman of his dreams, provided she’s a gorgeous supermodel who by proxy makes him the cool dude he only wishes he could be. I didn’t get into this show straight away, but after a few episodes, I got sucked in.You can’t help but feel sorry for this dude’s social awkwardness and trying too hard, while laughing at it too.

Many times when I watched it, something would happen on the show, and I’d pause it, because I’d be like “oh no…” when he does something stupid. I eventually realised that this show’s not only about relationships, but also about the bullshit politics of partying in many ways, something I really relate to.

1. What Not To Say Or Do To Impress People
It’s always hard to carry a conversation with people you’ve just met, let alone people you’re actually trying to impress. Whether it be a hot chick you want to hook up with or someone influential that can help advance your career, you really have to watch what you say and do. Stuart fails miserably at this. Not only is it blatantly obvious he’s a try-hard, but he has a horrible case of foot in mouth disease. For instance, Stuart and his actress tenant Jessica are at a party to impress people in the movie and magazine businesses, some of which are gay and keep making gay jokes. Stuart starts these jokes too, and really offends them with how tasteless his jokes are, and gets both himself and Jessica kicked out. He also calls a five year old boy a cunt, a big no-no when sitting next to the boy’s parents, at a wedding no less.

2. Cutting In Nightclub Lines
It’s just plain rude to cut through the queue, but sexy, rich-looking people can go ahead and walk right in no worries, even making the bouncer smile at their presence. Stuart always tries to do this, simply because he’s on the guest list or reckons he’s “in” with one of the aforementioned sexy, rich-looking people. Not that ever really helps Stuart get in. In fact, Stuart gets into some clubs by using his wheelchair bound friend or bribing the bouncer (only to leave the club straight away, without a refund). Unless you enter the club with those people, the bouncer won’t believe that you’re one of the cool people.

3. Using A Limo To Look Cool
Anyone who’s been in a limo, even if it’s just once, thinks they’re cool for doing so. We’ve all done that. So one night when Stuart hires a limo to go to an exclusive party at a nightclub, he assumes that having walked out of a limo will impress the bouncers enough to let him in. It doesn’t work. Making things worse, the limo can’t do a three-point turn in this very narrow street that causes traffic, making Stuart look like an even bigger loser and the people watching laugh at him.

4. Being Sucked Into Buying Everyone Drinks
No one minds buying the hottie you’re trying to impress and their friend a drink, but when they get you to buy a group of 30 a drink, without much of a thank you at all, then you really got to consider whether this person’s worth your effort, or your cash.

5. Going For Hotties Out Of Your League
As much as we all want the hot girl/guy, often the fact is that unless you’re hot too, they won’t give you the time of day. Nightclubs are meat markets, and though it certainly doesn’t hurt to try, sometimes you got to know your place in life.

6. Ignoring A Sure Thing
When Stuart has the aforementioned limo, he picks up these decent looking ladies, but when Jessica brings along her hot girlfriends, it’s like the other ladies don’t exist. He ditches the ladies in the limo to go into a nightclub with the hotties, only to find out they all have boyfriends, so he quickly darts back into the limo and tries to strike up a conversation with one woman, who tells him to fuck off.

Originally published here at barsandnightclubs.com.au on Monday 2 December 2013

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