I watched the Adam Sandler movie That’s My Boy the other night, bloody hilarious too! Well, it’s comedic genius compared to Sandler’s previous movie, the utterly pathetic Jack And Jill. The movie starts off with a young Adam Sandler having an affair with his hot high school teacher, and not only does everyone find out, she got preggers too!The kid even wrote a book about the experience called Head In The Class (“Head Of The Class, With Blowjobs”).
Point being, we all had that one teacher back in high school whom we had a crush on. You can blame it on the innocence of puberty where just about anything’s attractive. Teachers go to jail for fooling around with students, technically making them paedophiles. I guess that police check they had to get to work with kids was a huge waste of time then.
Assuming that the teacher you liked is young, like in their 20s or maybe even their 30s, they’re hardly old, so despite their efforts to make students behave, these hypocrites probably still party hard and recklessly. So once you’ve turned 18 and start hitting the clubs, you may very well bump into Mr/Ms Smith doing Jager bombs (highly unlikely though, I know). Though of course a teacher seducing their student while the kid’s in their class is both illegal and morally wrong, your student/teacher relationship is well and truly over. You’re both legal now, so is it okay for you two to hook up? There shouldn’t be any legal repercussions (don’t quote me on that, a-ight!).
So anyway, here’s how to hook up with that old flame that bossed you around and try your chances at a very special detention with them.
1. Re-Introduce Yourself
Over the years, teachers have taught literately hundreds of students, and they’d only remember a handful of them (for being a good student or a rat bag, whatever is memorable about the student). If you were on good terms with the teacher, they’ll probably at least remember your face. Being a younger teacher, they’re more likely to remember you, simply because it hasn’t been 20 years since they gave you that algebra homework. Anyway, simply re-introduce yourself and hope they respond positively. There’s no need for a pick up line, as you two have already been acquainted.
2. Talk About The “Good Old Days”
Say how you miss high school (no matter if you actually do miss it or not) and that your favourite class was that teacher’s class and how much you learned from it (though in reality you probably learned squat because you were too busy perving on them rather than listening to them). They’ll be flattered that despite teenagers whinging about how shit school is, that you not only liked their class, but still think highly of it after all these years. A way to a person’s heart is through their ego.
3. Shout Them A Drink
The teacher’s obviously there to party like you are, so why not shout them a drink? Say this is your way of saying thanks for all they taught you back in school. They will feel entitled to this for all the bullshit from smart arse teenagers they put up with every week, the very reason they’ve gone clubbing to get smashed in the first place.
4. Admit That You Had A Crush On Them
This one depends on how the above three points go for you, whether you’re comfortable enough (i.e. drunk enough) to admit this. Hopefully they’re drunk when you say this, that way they’re not only more flattered, but are more likely to admit they secretly thought you were cute too and even reciprocate with a kiss.
5. Ask Them To Dance
You two have rapped about the past, but now’s the time to act in the present. Like with anyone else in the club, dancing is a mating ritual that will happen one way or another. Start off with general dancing first, and sing the lyrics to the song with/to them (especially if it’s a love song). Then if the mood’s right, start the dirty dancing. It’ll be like what you wished had happened at your Year 12 Formal.
6. Look Good
Obviously how good looking you are is something you can’t really help (though make up and threads certainly help), and you had no way of knowing the teacher was going clubbing too, but there’s a reason I mention this. Teachers essentially view their students as kids they have to look after and tolerate, so it’s hard for them to make the mental transition from student to potential hook up. Point being, unless you’re particularly attractive, they will always view you as that annoying brat they had to teach a few years back.
Originally published here at barsandnightclubs.com.au on Saturday 15 June 2013